Some people’s nightmares involve being chased by monsters or falling from unimaginable heights. Mine involve a scenario that plays out in my marriage coaching ministry over and again. It’s a scene between a husband and wife when the relationship is falling apart—only for this couple, no book, no “gameplan” or “understanding” is likely to bring them back to relational health. The time when that might have worked has passed. They may be in my office to get “help,” and they may still be technically married, but the relationship is basically over. In this scene, she sits there across from me, not making eye contact, rarely having anything to say. He, on the other hand, cannot stop filling the air with words. He’s frantic. Up until recently, he was not aware that his wife was contemplating leaving him. Now he’s very aware, and he will do anything to keep that from happening.
Unfortunately, it tends to be too little too late. That scene in my office is merely the final pen stroke to a book that has taken years (sometimes decades) to write. You see, this man has been missing in action when she really needed him. Many times she experienced a need to find solace in him, to be able to depend on him, to be able to trust him. Often he was either unaware of these needs or chose not to pay attention to them. And during that season of his life, while he was enjoying the benefits of his marriage but not investing in his partner, a quiet erosion was taking place in her heart. Just as the erosive forces of the persistent tide of water can eventually wear away the detail of a piece of rock—transforming its original appearance and leaving it smooth, her heart has been hurt so many times that now she is numb, her “relationship nerves” are worn smooth, and it is hard to feel anything for him anymore.
That’s the question. The one I hear in my nightmares. It’s a question that doesn’t have a good answer. Don’t get me wrong. Couples can and do find ways to repair relationships that are in this kind of trouble, but it’s uncommon.
My point is this… don’t wait. Don’t wait to do all the things you would promise to do if you were afraid you might lose her. Don’t get comfortable with “coasting” in your relationship. She needs the best you have to give. After all, isn’t that what you promised on your wedding day?
Your connection to your wife’s heart is not a possession, it is a privilege. And privileges are easily lost if not respected and maintained.
So fellas, what’s in your relationship that’s eroding the connection between you and your wife? Don’t be that guy that waits until it’s too late to do something about it.
Be the guy she needs you to be. Isn’t she worth it?