I’m a huge fan of marriage and relationship self-help books.  I wrote one.  But here’s something most of us who are authors in that genre won’t put in the introduction: you probably won’t remember most of what we’ve written next time you have a fight with your spouse.

Face it, when the fur is flying and emotion and tension rule the room, neither you nor your spouse are likely to remember the brilliant insights you read in that marriage book or heard at that seminar.  Real life dictates that any major strategy you embrace to help you handle conflict must be extremely simple and memorable.  That’s what I’d like to share here.

This is the most powerful advice I could possibly give you for dealing with conflict, in a bite-sized package.

1. Refuse to Argue

This one trumps all others.  The truth is that you can get very far in reducing all relationship conflict in your life by simply employing this one strategy.  To do so is difficult for most of us at first, because it’s difficult to wean ourselves off the habit of immediately correcting people we believe are wrong.  Especially people who say something wrong about us.

But the simple truth is this: if conflicts were settled by arguing, we wouldn’t need judges, juries or referees (and much of the time we don’t even agree with these people).

[tweet_box design=”box_16_at” author=”Jonathan Hoover”]If arguing settled conflict, we wouldn’t need judges, juries or referees.[/tweet_box]

You aren’t the only person in the room who believes strongly that they are right.  The other person believes that too.  Both of you venting your opinions at each other isn’t likely to solve anything.  It’s just likely to raise the volume.

[tweet_box design=”box_16_at” author=”Jonathan Hoover”]Venting doesn’t create solutions… just volume.[/tweet_box]

So what should you do?

Don’t talk.  Listen.  Most conflict gets out of hand because no one is listening and everyone is talking.  “Listen to me…” ratchets up conflict.  “Talk to me…” opens up conversations.  Don’t make the mistake of believing that listening without interrupting is tantamount to agreeing.

2. Find the “Why”

Every fight has two parts… a what, and a why.  The what is the content of the issue at hand.  It’s whether the kids should go to public or private school, whether you have sex frequently enough, or whether you should have painted the kitchen last year when you promised you would.

The why is the motivation behind the issue.  Why is it important to your spouse that the kids go to private school?  Why is the frequency of your sex life driving you to anger?  Why is the painting of the kitchen a big deal?

Most couples will spend the majority of their conflict hours meandering around hopelessly in the conflict what’s of life.  But when you refuse to argue about what and dig deeper until you find the why, then you have something powerful to talk about… and, I suspect, you’ll find out that dealing directly with the why shields you from future, similar what fights down the road.

Want to know how to find the why?  Next time your spouse is angry, hurt, or frustrated about something, ask this question: “What bothers you so much about that?”

[tweet_box design=”box_16_at” author=”Jonathan Hoover”]Every fight has two parts… a what, and a why.[/tweet_box]

Better yet, if your spouse says something about you that you think is completely untrue… and you find yourself on the edge of defending yourself and getting into an argument (see point 1), ask this powerful question: “Suppose you’re right when you say that about me… what bothers you so much about that?”

3. Reassure

If you work hard at finding the why instead of the what, you’ll probably find that most of what motivates conflict in your relationship is fear.  Maybe your spouse wants the kids to go to private school because they have a fear of your kids being limited by what they think might be a sub-standard education.

Maybe you are mad when sex isn’t happening often enough in the relationship because you’re afraid it means your spouse doesn’t really care about your needs, or worse, you’re afraid they don’t find you attractive.  Maybe every time they walk into that kitchen that was supposed to be painted a year ago, it causes them to be afraid that they can’t count on you—that your words don’t always translate into actions.

And when the fear is exposed… you can deflate that conflict faster than you could have ever imagined by simply reassuring your spouse.  Help them understand that you get it.  You may not agree with everything that they think or feel, but you care about their feelings.  Let them see that.  Show them that you not only hear what they are saying, but that you care.  You’ll be amazed how quickly warm, empathetic reassurance can turn a nasty negative into a game-changing positive.

Don’t let conflict derail the best parts of your relationship.  Life is too short, and the moments we have to spend with our family are too precious to be wasted.  Give these three ideas a chance to revolutionize the way you approach difficulty and conflict in your relationship.  You might be surprised at the difference.