Why the Good Girl Loves the Bad Boy

It’s a staple in television and movie plots—the good girl finds herself tremendously attracted to the “bad boy.”  You know the guy is trouble, she knows it too… and yet she falls head-over-heels in love.  I think the reason those stories work in Hollywood is because we can identify with them.  They happen in real life.  And the genders can as easily be switched.  Sometimes the good boy falls for the bad girl.  Usually when that happens, good people get hurt.  It doesn’t always spell the end of the world or the death of a relationship, but it’s a hard road.

I guess these days I think about these things more, because I realize it won’t be too many years before my oldest daughter will be interested in boys and dating.  As a dad who loves his daughters, I want her to find a good man.  Strike that… an incredible man.  I want her to gravitate toward a person who will treat her with immense respect, kindness, and self-sacrificing love.  Here’s the rub… as a person who has spent a great deal of time doing relationship coaching, I’m very aware that my parenting style now has a great impact on my daughters relationship choices down the road.

I might already be getting a little bit of pushback from you, in that you might be thinking that it’s unfair to make parents responsible for their children’s romantic choices later in life.  To a certain extent that’s true; we are all responsible for our own choices.  But, you will have an impact on your kid’s lovestyle.  I guarantee it.  Here’s why: love is learned experientially.

[bctt tweet=”You will have an impact on your kids’ love style. I guarantee it.”]

What that means is that kids don’t learn what love is by having their parents sit down and explain it to them.  Similarly, you didn’t learn the parameters of love by reading a great self-help book or listening to an enlightening sermon.  You learned about love in the environment of your home and family as you were growing up.  What you saw happening in your home between people who were supposed to love each other became, to a certain extent, your picture of love.  

At the deepest level, love for your kids will be deeply influenced by what they see modeled by you in your home.

[bctt tweet=”Your kids will ‘learn’ love from the example you set at home.”]

How this relates to the good girl/bad boy dynamic is this: some kids live in a home where they have to grow up much too fast.  At some level, they have to function as an adult long before the appropriate time.  They have to play the role of parent when they should be allowed to experience a normal childhood.  The individuals who should be responsible for their wellbeing become their responsibility.

This reversal of the normal nature of relationships creates a sort of backwards paradigm for their relationships in the future.  That backwards paradigm: Love is about rescuing people.  They show their parents love by rescuing them—they have no choice in the matter.  Dysfunctional dynamics imprint just as well as functional ones, and thus, in adulthood, love for them will still be about rescuing.  And they’ll gravitate toward individuals who will need that kind of love (the bad boy.)

The problem is this: beyond the pain of the drama of living with a person who needs to be rescued, most “rescuers” (often psychologists and counselors will refer to the term codependent to describe this group) really do resent the fact that love takes this form in their lives.  Sacrificing major parts of themselves to look after and tend to the aftermath of being attached to an irresponsible person eventually takes a toll on their well-being.  Often they’ll try to end the relationship with the other person only to find themselves magnetically drawn back over time.

We must never allow our kids to feel that they are responsible for our wellbeing.  Part of learning to be loved is learning to function in relationships where others willingly embrace their own responsibilities.

[bctt tweet=”We must never allow our kids to feel that they are responsible for our wellbeing.”]

As parents we must remember to ask, what am I bringing to this relationship that clearly illustrates real love?  If we aren’t bringing much, then later in life, it’s likely they’ll find someone who doesn’t bring much either.  Keep in mind that right now you have a powerful opportunity—to teach your child what love should look like.  How do you want their spouse to treat them someday?  Would you be okay with their spouse behaving toward them the way you do?  If not, that’s cause for concern.

How about you?  What have you learned about the process of modeling love?

NOTE:
The main goal of this post was to encourage parents of young children (like myself) to examine how we’re modeling love for our kids.  But, as a side note, for individuals in the rescuer mindset, it may be comforting to know that there is still plenty of time in your life to redefine love and enjoy meaningful relationships—even if you married the bad boy.  I would encourage you to learn more about setting healthy boundaries.  Perhaps read the book Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  Meet with a well-respected Christian therapist or your pastor, and connect with friends that are good at setting boundaries.

Setting healthy limits is the doorway to a new life, and you’ll need some strong coaching on how to do that wisely.  I’ve seen this pay off in huge ways.  First of all, setting healthy limits is something you do for yourself.  You need the clarity and focus that boundaries will provide.  But you also set limits for the sake of the other person.  I’ve seen several “bad boys” rise to the occasion when they understood what the limits were going to be, and that she was serious about enforcing them.