Almost two years ago now, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott came to our church for one of their “Fight Night” events.  I was ecstatic to have them here, not only because their material is fantastic (which it is), and because our people would love them (which they did), but because I really wanted to get to know this amazing couple.

Before this event, I had a few brief phone conversations with Les, but when they came to town, it was the first time I really had a chance to talk with them at any length.  Wendy and I agreed to meet them for dinner before the event, and I was nervous.  Les and Leslie are New York Times best-selling authors.  They have spent their entire life as top-level experts in the field of couples work.  What do you talk about over dinner with best-selling authors?

I tried to think ahead of time of some brilliant questions and intelligent topics I could raise, just so I wouldn’t be a completely dull dinner companion.  Those questions and topics, it turned out, were completely unneeded.  Les and Leslie had a completely different conversational agenda.  They asked us questions.

How long had Wendy and I been married?  How old were our girls?  What did they like to do?  What was our ministry like at NewSpring?  How had the church grown so quickly?  What do couples at NewSpring need to hear especially?  How was my writing coming along?  What was next on the horizon for couples ministry at NewSpring?

Walking out of the restaurant, I realized that the entire conversation that night had turned out to be the opposite of what I had expected.  I had expected to get Les and Leslie to talk about themselves, their work, their passions, and their future.  They reversed it… and got us talking about our lives.

What was interesting about that unexpected dynamic was that I left the restaurant feeling as though Wendy and I had made a real connection with Les and Leslie.  They made us feel valued by shifting the focus of the conversation from them to us.

I realized afterward that great conversationalists always do this.  They flip the interview.

[bctt tweet=”Powerful communicators ‘flip the interview’ and direct attention toward the other person.”]

I studied broadcasting in college, and as a result, I participated in the filming of several video interviews.  Usually there were two chairs… an interviewer chair and an interviewee chair.  The interviewer’s job was to ask all the questions… the better they were at asking questions, the better an interviewer they were considered to be.  The person sitting in the other chair was the focal point of the interview.  Their answers were the reason people were watching the video.  They were the center of attention.

Great conversationalists force a seat change.  They arrive expected to sit in the interviewee chair and become the center of attention.  Instead, they choose to assume the role of interviewer, asking questions instead of answering them.  And great conversationalists are always amazing at asking great questions.

[bctt tweet=”Great conversationalists are great interviewers.”]

Why do people like Les and Leslie force a seat change?  Because they understand one of the most underrated truths about communicating… listening communicates value.  When we talk about ourselves we communicate how much we value our own experience.  When we ask questions and listen to the other person, we show how much we value their experience.

Which chair do you usually sit in?  Imagine how valued other people in your world would feel if you forced a seat change.