I hate difficult talks. I tend to be a pretty soft-hearted individual, so it’s very difficult for me to talk with someone about problems within our relationship. It’s troubling to think about all the ways in which the other person might misunderstand me or get the wrong impression. If that weren’t bad enough, I find myself preoccupied with trying to anticipate the objections or arguments they might bring up. How do I know that I’ll be able to respond to their comments or questions? I’ll think. It’s also easy to remember all the difficult conversations that have gone awry over the years and assume this one will be another in that series.
But difficult discussions are a part of life. Relationships come pre-installed with tension… that’s part of living in a broken world. As a result, we need to have a strategy for these kinds of conversations. We need a way of being confident in ourselves so that we can talk about the challenges that threaten relationships. Not dealing with the tension is not an option. That’s how relationships fall apart.
This isn’t the only good game-plan for a difficult discussion, but it’s a start:
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Start the conversation by listening.
Before you share what you need to say, open the conversation up for the other person to express their thoughts. A good way to do this would be to ask a simple question like:
“You know, we often talk about so many other things, I’d just like to ask how you’re feeling about our relationship in general…”
or
“I know you’ve been working here now about two years. I was wondering if you would like to share with me what that experience has been like for you…”
or
“I know you’ve been under a lot of stress lately at school. We’ve talked a lot about the specifics, but I’d love to know how you’re doing in general. What is it like to be you right now?”
Remember: to speak without the intent to listen is to embark on an empty journey in life. Other people eventually learn to tune out those who cannot listen in return.
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Be prepared; know what you need to say ahead of time.
The main reason people say strange things in conversations is that they don’t think through what they want to say ahead of time.
Proverbs has something to say about this:
Prov. 15:28
The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.
Reserve some time to think about what you need to say. This needs to be some time when you can be alone and undistracted. Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down a few sentences that capture the spirit of what you need to say. These will be the anchor points for your conversation. You shouldn’t need much more than a paragraph. If you find yourself writing several pages, go ahead and finish. This exercise is probably really helping you work through your feelings and emotions; that’s a good thing. But when you’re done writing the long version, pen the short version… a few sentences, perhaps a paragraph.
Now look at the talking points you’ve written down. Are all of them negative? Are any of them positive? Negative news is best accepted when it’s wrapped in some positivity. This has to be done with a genuine spirit, so don’t just toss a couple meaningless compliments in there, really think through what you can say from a positive angle. Try to make sure that for every negative remark you need to make, you can say two things positively. If you have too many negative remarks to make that work, you probably have too many negative remarks.
Once you have processed what you need to say, written it down, and shortened it to reasonable talking points that you can remember, make a pact with yourself that you will stick to that agenda. Promise yourself that it’s best not to go off-script. One of the reasons challenging conversations can get out of hand is that often two people are speaking extemporaneously about problems that truly deserve some thought. Remind yourself that staying on topic and on script is a good thing to help control the temperature of the conversation.
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Be clear on your desired outcome for the conversation.
What do you want? What can the other person do as a result of this conversation that will help things? What can you do? If this conversation went extremely well, what would be the outcome? You need to at least have a basic answer to this question. Even if this conversation is about something the other person can’t fix or undo, you still need to know what you’re hoping to gain by having the conversation—perhaps closure or an apology. Whatever the case, it’s important to be clear on your goals going into the discussion. The other person might want to know.
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End on a positive note if you can.
Conversations are often mentally filed away based on their beginning and end. If the conversation started and ended well, we will often think of it as a good conversation. This is why beginning and ending positively is so important. Think ahead of time about a way to leave the other person on as good a note as possible. Perhaps a humorous remark will be appropriate depending on the nature of what you’re needing to discuss. Or maybe the best thing to do is remind that person how crucial they are to your team, your family, or your small group. If you’re married, a hug and kiss might be a great way to remind the other person you love them and are still very much on their side. You’ll have a feeling for the right way to go with this.
Don’t forget as you prepare for this conversation that having difficult talks is part of how you build trust in relationships. Unaddressed concerns in relationships eventually become barriers to productivity and closeness. When you show the other person you aren’t afraid to tell them what’s on your mind, even if it’s not always sunshine and lollipops, you inspire them to believe that you are honest and trustworthy. That’s huge!